A Guide on How to Best Support a Bereaved Parent After Baby Loss

I remember the first time a friend of mine experienced a devastating loss. Despite all of my training and experience as a psychologist, I found myself making excuses for why I shouldn't call.

I still feel guilty about it.

Several years later and after my own daughter died during pregnancy, I had a new perspective for what I wished people would have done or said. There were simple things that meant the world to me and I still appreciate friends and families for.

I can vividly recall sentiments that made me feel held and supported. However, at the completely opposite end of the spectrum. There were the comments that upset me and made me want to withdraw.

My daughter Jessie's death taught me a lot of things, it taught me about unspeakable sadness, the importance of feeling supported, and the harsh reality that most people, with the best of intentions, say and do things that will make a bereaved parent feel worse.

This is the experience I hear over and over again in my psychotherapy practice.

My patients and I spend a lot of time trying to understand and then work through the ways others unintentionally minimized their experience, made excuses for it or withdrew because they didn't know what to do.

It is my passion to break the taboo around pregnancy loss and give friends, family, co-workers, and professionals who come in contact with bereaved parents a context to understand and support these parents in the most helpful way possible.

Had I not experienced my own loss, I would never have been able to really "get" the importance of this and how simple things said or done could help or hurt. That is why I have pulled this information together, I want you to be able to convey your love, understanding and support so that it is received as it was intended.

Not long after Jessie's death, my best friend lost her son during pregnancy. I was devasted for her and immediately went into action.

Knowing what to say (and what not to say), I could really be there for her. I also knew that she would find her way through this and there was nothing I could do or say to remove her pain.

There was however, a lot I could do to give her support and a sense of comfort.

My friend later told me that she felt guilty that she didn't know how to respond when I had my loss. And that she was so grateful that I showed up for her.

To honor all of the parents who are hurting for their children, I offer you, the friends and families a gift of guidance.

Show up in love and support, while at the same time, taking care of yourself.